Reflection of God

Over the last week, I have reflected on my where my journey has taken me over the last few years. What I have been struck by is the way my image of God has changed from season to season. Growing up, I was told that God loved and cared for me and I was open and eager to receive that. My life experiences however, told me that in the “real world” I was not valued for who I was, my feelings were insignificant and that other people had the right to hurt my heart and my body and I needed to submit to that. In order to make my image of God mesh with my real world experiences, I needed to see God as more of a passive observer. He loved and cared for me by being with me but He was more concerned about my choices and behavior than He was about my experiences.

The abuse and trauma that I experienced growing up took its toll on my emotional health and wreaked havoc on my body. My unhealed wounds came out sideways through self abuse and depression and since no one else would accept responsibility, I had to take that on too. The battle was on and the fight was me against myself. Either way, I lose. I wished for death to come for a long time and though I would try, I could never go through with taking my own life. Eventually I needed to make a choice to put the past behind me and take charge of my life.

As an adult then, I could no longer excuse a God of the universe that would stand by and watch a child suffer without intervening so I needed to again adjust my image of God. Now I needed to put a greater distance between us and believe that he was more of a generic God. He loved me because he was God and God loved everyone. He was more of an overseer of all the earth and he cared for me because I was a part of it.

Over the last few years however, God has been painting a new picture of Himself for me, one that is drawn out for us in scripture. As I have sat in prayer and in The Word, God has been revealing His truth to me. He has shown me how the hurt in my life has distorted my image of Him and He has invited me to step into this life with new eyes and allowing Him to draw out for me His image rather then the other way around. Now as I seek to more fully receive his love and truth, I look to Jesus. Christ is the true reflection of God and as I meet Jesus face to face in scriptures and allow His transforming hand to touch my heart and to heal my pain, I can begin to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ.