Where’s that coming from?!

Goooood Morning Station 84, was the call that I heard every morning for two weeks on the locked ward at Abbot Northwestern Hospital. My desperate cries for help through my desire to end my life were what had brought me to that space. Talk about surrendering to authority and giving up freedom! During my intake, they dug through my suitcase taking everything that could pose any danger to myself or others. They had thought of more ways to harm yourself than I could even imagine. By the end, I had really nothing left but clothing as most all of my personal care items had been confiscated. We weren't even allowed to drink pop out of a pop can because we might intentionally cut ourselves on the opening. As I have mentioned in my previous post, my response to forced surrender at that time in my life was to fight back in ways that would declare that I still had some control. I remember very clearly one night, in a state of rebellion, climbing up on top of the closet in my room, barely fitting my body into the space between the closet and the ceiling. I fully enjoyed the opportunity to freak the nurse out when she came to do our bed check as she, of course, feared that I would dive head first onto the hard concrete ground. Wow, I guess they hadn't thought of everything! What a great rush that was as the power shifted and suddenly the fear landed on someone else as I was the one calling the shots. Not really being quite that hard of a person, I could only hold that position for a few moments before I obediently climbed down but it was a feeling I was not soon to forget.

Many years later, as an adult with a family of my own, I went off on a weekend retreat to find some space with God. I had already begun to step into a more honest relationship with God and was eager to experience greater intimacy with Him. Upon arriving at that retreat, I was asked to relinquish my watch and any question or awareness of time for 3 days. For 3 days, I was told where to go and when to go there. For 3 days, I was asked to surrender any and all need for knowledge of what I was about to experience. The design of these requests was to fully allow you to be present to the moment and to let the outside world run on its own for a while. Due to my experiences with surrender as a child and my continued belief that I did not have the freedom of choice, this plan only triggered fear which triggered the need to control. Something to notice! On the first day there, we were told not to pull out our alarm clocks or watches as we went to sleep but that they would wake us when it was time. This is where I started searching for control and that rebellious attitude started to kick in. I simply refused to sleep that night so that I could control what time I woke up the next morning! For the rest of the weekend, I looked for any and all subtle opportunities to go against the grain. I would not wear my name tag, I chose not to share with the group and I refused to let them see me cry! Everything about my responses only further demonstrated my desperate need for healing.

Our actions and reactions in our present day life are always worth noticing and reflecting upon. They generally have quite a bit to tell us and are a mirror to our soul. My rebellion, depression and self abuse as a teenager was not just some fun and exciting thing that I decided to try some Saturday night. It was a signal that things in my life were crazy out of control and that I was living in a whole lot of pain. As an adult, it brought me into a continued awareness that God was still at work to bring out greater freedom from the bondage I had lived out of for so long. As I have become more accustomed to noticing my reactions, I am more able to stop and notice the underlying struggle or feeling that they are coming out of. Some days, I will find myself in a group setting and I will choose the seat that is closest to the door. That is my way of saying, "I don't feel entirely safe so I need to secure my exit." Or maybe during a group exercise to still ourselves, we are asked to put our feet on the floor and I will find that I intentionally sit cross legged on my chair. That is my way of saying, "My emotions are scary right now and I am not comfortable within my own body so I don't want to pay attention to it." We all have these reactions. Some are more obvious but many are very subtle. The gift that I have been taught is learning to simply notice them, be ok with where I am at and even give myself freedom to make the choices that will give me what I need. God can meet me right where I am at with love and grace, so why shouldn't I?