Protected and Loved

As I continue to be present to what God brings forth on my journey towards wholeness, I occasionally find myself in vulnerable, rather disorientating places and yet will need to continue on with day to day life. This can be a difficult combination as often, when I feel this way, I retreat within myself which makes “functioning” a challenge.

Today God has given me a new image to hold in those places. I saw an eagle, fiercly standing over and guarding her chicks. The eaglets are completely vulnurable. They could easily be a tasty snack to many animals or they could even fall out of the nest as they are still orientating themeselves to their new world. The mothers eyes are strong, her senses keen.  She will protect her baby at all cost. 

I am aware that often, I think of God's protection more as a gentle awareness rather than with the fierce intensity of a mother guarding her young.  As a mother, I know how I would feel if one of my children were in danger.  Why then should I expect any less from the God of the universe? In scripture Jesus describes himself saying, "I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:11  This is not an image of a passive love but of a powerful love that is fully present, fully engaged and fully committed.  This is the love God has for us.

The Blood of Christ

As I continue to sit with the image of the sinful woman from the gospel of Luke I have found myself coming face to face with the sin in my own life. Sin that has been thrust upon me, sin that has come out of my own woundedness and my sin in choosing to keep all of it from the one True Healer. As I step into this awareness, I see myself draped in a filthy, beaten and torn shawl of shame. For years, I have allowed this shawl to cover me, to be my hiding place. Now, however as I am present to this piece of my journey, as God has prepared me to be, I am beginning to see new movement. I hear Christ beckoning me to the cross even as my shawl of shame is draped over my head, my eyes gazing down. As I approach the cross, I fall to my knees. Lifting my hands to wrap my fingers around the base of the cross that my Savior is hanging from, I cling to the hope that is there. The blood from His wounds drips down His beaten body and off His feet, falling on my covered head. As this drop of blood touches my shawl of shame, by the power, love and grace of Christ alone, it begins to dispel the filth and the shame, replacing it with a dazzling white, clean and pure. This white slowly bleeds into the rest of my covering as God's transforming truth penetrates and conquers the sin and lies that I have lived out of for so long.

When God gives me a gift such as this image, I am reminded of the power of scripture and prayer.  As I am willing to be still and allow the Holy Spirit to communicate God's truth through TheWord and through annointed imagery, it is then that His truth can become mine.  For a battle that has run as deep and as long as this one has, it will take time for the truth to fully encomposs my life.  I will take this image now and continue to meditate on it, experience it, even draw a picture of it to soak it in to my very being as I open myself to God's transforming work.  It is truly His work, I have only to be present and willing.  What a gift!

The Sinful Woman

Often I will sit in scripture that speaks into my own story. One of these passages comes out of Luke 7:36-50, the story of Jesus being anointed by a sinful woman. Scripture doesn't speak into what happened before the sinful woman showed up at the house where Jesus was staying, nor does it speak to what thoughts she may have had. My ponderings on these thoughts are hypothetical and may or may not be culturally accurate. However, as I consider all of these things, I find myself in a holy space where God can meet me in my own story to speak His truth in profound ways. The following piece is some of my writing that has come out of this type of study.

I Imagine

I imagine a woman living a sinful, immoral life. She walks through the streets drawing attention to herself, appearing bold and confident in what she has to offer.

I imagine a woman alone in her home, covered in shame and despair.

I imagine this woman hearing stories of Jesus. Stories of hope coming out of despair; stories that uncover a deep longing in her heart. A longing to be known in the midst of her sinfulness and to be loved in spite of it.

I imagine this woman going to listen to Jesus as he teaches the crowd yet staying at a distance, hidden.

I imagine Jesus, fully aware of her presence and yet careful not to reveal her hiding place or His knowledge of it. All the while, Jesus speaks clearly the words he knows her heart needs to hear.

I imagine a woman who knows that this is the man that will take the place of all others.

I imagine the stares of the onlookers in the room as the woman approaches Jesus in spite of all the social and religious implications.

I imagine the woman, holding nothing back, pouring out her love and gratitude knowing she need not look any further for her savior.

I imagine Jesus as he turned to the woman and looked at her with a love and acceptance, not of the sinful life she has led, but of the child God first created. A look so powerful that it penetrates her heart.

"Your sins are forgiven…Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

The Hospital part 2-Facing the Pain

Sitting in one of the small conference rooms at the hospital, I met with a therapist and my mother. To be honest, I can't remember what the conversation was about but the air of exposure, shame and vulnerability that I was experiencing was more than I could tolerate. Somehow, in the midst of this high security hospital floor, I happened upon a safety pin which I proceeded to hide in my hand. Opening the pin up, I took the sharp point and ran it back and forth over the top of my hand. I pressed the point in enough to feel the pain but not too much so as not to draw out more blood than I could hide. The meeting I was in was painful enough that the sensation that came from cutting myself actually seemed to bring relief. The pain of the safety pin breaking and scraping my skin allowed my mind to be distracted from the experience at hand but it also gave me a feeling of control and power in my out of control, powerless world. Later that day, the abrasions I created on my hand were seen and I was forced to relinquish the safety pin.

As an adult, I learned to find other ways to distract from my deep inner pain that were less obvious and more acceptable. It might show itself through very controlled eating habits or a busy schedule that just won't stop. Even something as simple as twitching my foot back and forth in short sudden bursts allows my mind and body to be distracted from whatever I am experiencing. God, however, has been inviting me into a new way. As He has softened my heart to see and to know Him, He has given me safe spaces to stop all movement, be still and be present to the pain. He has been willing to be present with me in the pain showing me His truth, allowing it to penetrate my heart as I am able to receive it. Old habits die hard however, and even as recently as last week I found myself going into that survival mode. The increasing questions in my life that seem to have no answers triggered my old ways and I slipped into a mode of seeking activities that were logical and controllable. I was aware of what I was doing but I had made my peace with it. God however, had not. He spoke directly into my heart (though I was not asking) and invited me to hold onto Him as my firm rock, my stronghold. My first thought of course was "can I do it both ways?" I knew the answer to that before I asked it but it was one last feeble attempt to do it myself. I didn't relent right away but within a couple of hours, God's words penetrated my heart and I repented and received God's grace and peace in that moment.

God is gracious, He is good and He is safe. He does not need to prove that to us, but He is willing. As we show up and provide the space for God to pour out His love on us, He is faithful to do just that. Showing up however, can be scary and even difficult. If it feels overwhelming, seeking out a spiritual friend or community can help us get started in this practice. Hold closely the words that are anointed by God as James 4:8 reads, "Come near to God and He will come near to you." NIV

Freedom...the gifts and the invitations

Stepping into a place of true freedom in Christ sounds like quite a glorious experience. It is true that the gifts and blessings of this movement within you are abundant. It is out of that very place of freedom that I have been drawn into sharing my story as Christ is rising up within me. As with everything else however, it is also a process. Living the Christ life requires a continuing transforming and renewing of the mind. During such a process of shedding off the ways of man and picking up the ways of Christ, we often will find our old ways in battle with the new. The invitation in those moments is to press into what you are noticing, recognizing it for what it is, ponder what may have triggered the response and then seek God's truth about it. If in that process, you need to bow out for whatever reason, do it honestly and receive God's grace in that moment.

As I have been intentional about stepping into what God is drawing out in me, I continue to notice the battle that goes on. In the last week alone, I have noticed several times, a certain heaviness that has suddenly come over me. It generally presents itself as a deep need to close my eyes and go to sleep and is typically triggered by a situation, a word or a feeling. My increasing ability to be present to the process has allowed me to press into most of these occurrences and walk through them holding firmly to the Truth I find in Jesus Christ. Last night as I experienced this response again, I allowed myself to be attentive to what was there. I noticed the feelings but didn't know where it came from, though I could think of a few possibilities. Sometimes, I think the invitation is to allow the feelings to be there even if there is no explanation. Knowing this, I tried to sit it out. When the "sleepiness" would not dissipate, I finally decided to honor where I was in that given moment and "bow out" not out of a place of fear or hiding but out of a willingness to care for myself. Last night, the space I was in required my attention in a way I could not offer. In that moment, caring for myself meant being OK with not "accomplishing" the task at hand but being willing to walk away. As I continue on the path that the Lord has laid out for me, it will be important not only for myself but for those around me, to care for myself in healthy, life giving ways. Choosing to walk away last night was not a step backwards towards bondage but rather, a step forwards towards greater health and freedom.

Where’s that coming from?!

Goooood Morning Station 84, was the call that I heard every morning for two weeks on the locked ward at Abbot Northwestern Hospital. My desperate cries for help through my desire to end my life were what had brought me to that space. Talk about surrendering to authority and giving up freedom! During my intake, they dug through my suitcase taking everything that could pose any danger to myself or others. They had thought of more ways to harm yourself than I could even imagine. By the end, I had really nothing left but clothing as most all of my personal care items had been confiscated. We weren't even allowed to drink pop out of a pop can because we might intentionally cut ourselves on the opening. As I have mentioned in my previous post, my response to forced surrender at that time in my life was to fight back in ways that would declare that I still had some control. I remember very clearly one night, in a state of rebellion, climbing up on top of the closet in my room, barely fitting my body into the space between the closet and the ceiling. I fully enjoyed the opportunity to freak the nurse out when she came to do our bed check as she, of course, feared that I would dive head first onto the hard concrete ground. Wow, I guess they hadn't thought of everything! What a great rush that was as the power shifted and suddenly the fear landed on someone else as I was the one calling the shots. Not really being quite that hard of a person, I could only hold that position for a few moments before I obediently climbed down but it was a feeling I was not soon to forget.

Many years later, as an adult with a family of my own, I went off on a weekend retreat to find some space with God. I had already begun to step into a more honest relationship with God and was eager to experience greater intimacy with Him. Upon arriving at that retreat, I was asked to relinquish my watch and any question or awareness of time for 3 days. For 3 days, I was told where to go and when to go there. For 3 days, I was asked to surrender any and all need for knowledge of what I was about to experience. The design of these requests was to fully allow you to be present to the moment and to let the outside world run on its own for a while. Due to my experiences with surrender as a child and my continued belief that I did not have the freedom of choice, this plan only triggered fear which triggered the need to control. Something to notice! On the first day there, we were told not to pull out our alarm clocks or watches as we went to sleep but that they would wake us when it was time. This is where I started searching for control and that rebellious attitude started to kick in. I simply refused to sleep that night so that I could control what time I woke up the next morning! For the rest of the weekend, I looked for any and all subtle opportunities to go against the grain. I would not wear my name tag, I chose not to share with the group and I refused to let them see me cry! Everything about my responses only further demonstrated my desperate need for healing.

Our actions and reactions in our present day life are always worth noticing and reflecting upon. They generally have quite a bit to tell us and are a mirror to our soul. My rebellion, depression and self abuse as a teenager was not just some fun and exciting thing that I decided to try some Saturday night. It was a signal that things in my life were crazy out of control and that I was living in a whole lot of pain. As an adult, it brought me into a continued awareness that God was still at work to bring out greater freedom from the bondage I had lived out of for so long. As I have become more accustomed to noticing my reactions, I am more able to stop and notice the underlying struggle or feeling that they are coming out of. Some days, I will find myself in a group setting and I will choose the seat that is closest to the door. That is my way of saying, "I don't feel entirely safe so I need to secure my exit." Or maybe during a group exercise to still ourselves, we are asked to put our feet on the floor and I will find that I intentionally sit cross legged on my chair. That is my way of saying, "My emotions are scary right now and I am not comfortable within my own body so I don't want to pay attention to it." We all have these reactions. Some are more obvious but many are very subtle. The gift that I have been taught is learning to simply notice them, be ok with where I am at and even give myself freedom to make the choices that will give me what I need. God can meet me right where I am at with love and grace, so why shouldn't I?

Peace...in surrender? Really?

When I think of the word surrender, as I have lived it most of my life, the first thought that comes is DEFEAT, then comes the word PAIN. My experience of surrender has always meant giving in to authority, giving up your freedom to choose, to feel or even to be physically and emotionally safe. As a child, forced to surrender, I often merely collapsed and accepted what was to come; after all, what else was I to do? As I grew and found means of control, a push to surrender sparked rebellion and teeth grinding determination. Exercising control gave me a feeling of power and safety which gave me a high that became quite addictive. When teenage rebellion and attitude no longer suited my age, I needed to find other means of control not only to feed my addiction but also to guard myself against recognizing and having to deal with all my unhealed wounds.

As I began to enter into a more honest relationship with God, I started to hear this word surrender more often. Surrender? Surrender to someone you can't see or hear? Surrender to someone who has the ability to do absolutely anything they want to??? Try again! How blessed I am that God is full of mercy and grace and is willing to meet me right where I am at.

Over the last few years, God has be willing to show me His heart. He has wooed me into the desert while He has demonstrated His love for me. He has allowed me to see and experience His presence through His Word, through worship and through His children. All He has asked of me is that I would choose to receive Him, that I would intentionally invite Him in, and by doing that, God put back into place the very thing that had been taken from me...freedom. Day by day as I invite Him into my life, into my pain, into my choices, He continues to show up in ways that teach me of His perfect love. He doesn't demand my surrender, He invites it. And, as I begin to trust His perfect love, I begin to understand that God's intentions for me are good, pleasing and perfect.

Surrendering, like everything else, is a process and is often not easy as a matter of fact, sometimes it is downright painful. But every time I fully surrender a piece of my life to Him I find great comfort and yes, even peace as I lean into my Abba Father who says to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

Reflection of God

Over the last week, I have reflected on my where my journey has taken me over the last few years. What I have been struck by is the way my image of God has changed from season to season. Growing up, I was told that God loved and cared for me and I was open and eager to receive that. My life experiences however, told me that in the “real world” I was not valued for who I was, my feelings were insignificant and that other people had the right to hurt my heart and my body and I needed to submit to that. In order to make my image of God mesh with my real world experiences, I needed to see God as more of a passive observer. He loved and cared for me by being with me but He was more concerned about my choices and behavior than He was about my experiences.

The abuse and trauma that I experienced growing up took its toll on my emotional health and wreaked havoc on my body. My unhealed wounds came out sideways through self abuse and depression and since no one else would accept responsibility, I had to take that on too. The battle was on and the fight was me against myself. Either way, I lose. I wished for death to come for a long time and though I would try, I could never go through with taking my own life. Eventually I needed to make a choice to put the past behind me and take charge of my life.

As an adult then, I could no longer excuse a God of the universe that would stand by and watch a child suffer without intervening so I needed to again adjust my image of God. Now I needed to put a greater distance between us and believe that he was more of a generic God. He loved me because he was God and God loved everyone. He was more of an overseer of all the earth and he cared for me because I was a part of it.

Over the last few years however, God has been painting a new picture of Himself for me, one that is drawn out for us in scripture. As I have sat in prayer and in The Word, God has been revealing His truth to me. He has shown me how the hurt in my life has distorted my image of Him and He has invited me to step into this life with new eyes and allowing Him to draw out for me His image rather then the other way around. Now as I seek to more fully receive his love and truth, I look to Jesus. Christ is the true reflection of God and as I meet Jesus face to face in scriptures and allow His transforming hand to touch my heart and to heal my pain, I can begin to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ.

Christ has risen!

He has risen indeed! As each year goes by and I grow more deeply in my faith, I find that the days of remembrance and celebration carry more depth in their meaning. This particular Easter season however, has not been the joyful time for me of past seasons. The challenges of my journey has made it difficult to embrace the moment as I would like to. As I continue to be honest with the Lord however, He has been faithful to make Himself known to me. Today as I stood in church seeking to attend to the amazing miracle and gift of our risen Lord, a powerful phrase settled in on me that quickly brought me into the moment. Not only has Christ risen from the dead but He has risen within us! As those words ran through my mind over and over again, I began to notice a movement within me that wanted to burst forth and share this message of truth with those around me. The power, love and grace of God is made alive within us so that we might experience communion with Him and be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around us. This is the true miracle of Easter.

Have you allowed the Lord Jesus Christ to rise up within you?

It's a process

...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

The journey of transformation is a process, predetermined and carried out by God himself. His work will only be complete on the day we stand before Him in all His glory. It is the process, the journey, however, that this blog will attend to. My desire is to share the good news of the work that God has done and continues to do in my own life so that He may be glorified.

...we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory...2 Corinthians 3:19

My prayer is that through my willingness to be transparent and broken in front of others, the grace, mercy, and perfect love of God will be apparent. To God be the glory!