Freedom...the gifts and the invitations

Stepping into a place of true freedom in Christ sounds like quite a glorious experience. It is true that the gifts and blessings of this movement within you are abundant. It is out of that very place of freedom that I have been drawn into sharing my story as Christ is rising up within me. As with everything else however, it is also a process. Living the Christ life requires a continuing transforming and renewing of the mind. During such a process of shedding off the ways of man and picking up the ways of Christ, we often will find our old ways in battle with the new. The invitation in those moments is to press into what you are noticing, recognizing it for what it is, ponder what may have triggered the response and then seek God's truth about it. If in that process, you need to bow out for whatever reason, do it honestly and receive God's grace in that moment.

As I have been intentional about stepping into what God is drawing out in me, I continue to notice the battle that goes on. In the last week alone, I have noticed several times, a certain heaviness that has suddenly come over me. It generally presents itself as a deep need to close my eyes and go to sleep and is typically triggered by a situation, a word or a feeling. My increasing ability to be present to the process has allowed me to press into most of these occurrences and walk through them holding firmly to the Truth I find in Jesus Christ. Last night as I experienced this response again, I allowed myself to be attentive to what was there. I noticed the feelings but didn't know where it came from, though I could think of a few possibilities. Sometimes, I think the invitation is to allow the feelings to be there even if there is no explanation. Knowing this, I tried to sit it out. When the "sleepiness" would not dissipate, I finally decided to honor where I was in that given moment and "bow out" not out of a place of fear or hiding but out of a willingness to care for myself. Last night, the space I was in required my attention in a way I could not offer. In that moment, caring for myself meant being OK with not "accomplishing" the task at hand but being willing to walk away. As I continue on the path that the Lord has laid out for me, it will be important not only for myself but for those around me, to care for myself in healthy, life giving ways. Choosing to walk away last night was not a step backwards towards bondage but rather, a step forwards towards greater health and freedom.

Where’s that coming from?!

Goooood Morning Station 84, was the call that I heard every morning for two weeks on the locked ward at Abbot Northwestern Hospital. My desperate cries for help through my desire to end my life were what had brought me to that space. Talk about surrendering to authority and giving up freedom! During my intake, they dug through my suitcase taking everything that could pose any danger to myself or others. They had thought of more ways to harm yourself than I could even imagine. By the end, I had really nothing left but clothing as most all of my personal care items had been confiscated. We weren't even allowed to drink pop out of a pop can because we might intentionally cut ourselves on the opening. As I have mentioned in my previous post, my response to forced surrender at that time in my life was to fight back in ways that would declare that I still had some control. I remember very clearly one night, in a state of rebellion, climbing up on top of the closet in my room, barely fitting my body into the space between the closet and the ceiling. I fully enjoyed the opportunity to freak the nurse out when she came to do our bed check as she, of course, feared that I would dive head first onto the hard concrete ground. Wow, I guess they hadn't thought of everything! What a great rush that was as the power shifted and suddenly the fear landed on someone else as I was the one calling the shots. Not really being quite that hard of a person, I could only hold that position for a few moments before I obediently climbed down but it was a feeling I was not soon to forget.

Many years later, as an adult with a family of my own, I went off on a weekend retreat to find some space with God. I had already begun to step into a more honest relationship with God and was eager to experience greater intimacy with Him. Upon arriving at that retreat, I was asked to relinquish my watch and any question or awareness of time for 3 days. For 3 days, I was told where to go and when to go there. For 3 days, I was asked to surrender any and all need for knowledge of what I was about to experience. The design of these requests was to fully allow you to be present to the moment and to let the outside world run on its own for a while. Due to my experiences with surrender as a child and my continued belief that I did not have the freedom of choice, this plan only triggered fear which triggered the need to control. Something to notice! On the first day there, we were told not to pull out our alarm clocks or watches as we went to sleep but that they would wake us when it was time. This is where I started searching for control and that rebellious attitude started to kick in. I simply refused to sleep that night so that I could control what time I woke up the next morning! For the rest of the weekend, I looked for any and all subtle opportunities to go against the grain. I would not wear my name tag, I chose not to share with the group and I refused to let them see me cry! Everything about my responses only further demonstrated my desperate need for healing.

Our actions and reactions in our present day life are always worth noticing and reflecting upon. They generally have quite a bit to tell us and are a mirror to our soul. My rebellion, depression and self abuse as a teenager was not just some fun and exciting thing that I decided to try some Saturday night. It was a signal that things in my life were crazy out of control and that I was living in a whole lot of pain. As an adult, it brought me into a continued awareness that God was still at work to bring out greater freedom from the bondage I had lived out of for so long. As I have become more accustomed to noticing my reactions, I am more able to stop and notice the underlying struggle or feeling that they are coming out of. Some days, I will find myself in a group setting and I will choose the seat that is closest to the door. That is my way of saying, "I don't feel entirely safe so I need to secure my exit." Or maybe during a group exercise to still ourselves, we are asked to put our feet on the floor and I will find that I intentionally sit cross legged on my chair. That is my way of saying, "My emotions are scary right now and I am not comfortable within my own body so I don't want to pay attention to it." We all have these reactions. Some are more obvious but many are very subtle. The gift that I have been taught is learning to simply notice them, be ok with where I am at and even give myself freedom to make the choices that will give me what I need. God can meet me right where I am at with love and grace, so why shouldn't I?

Peace...in surrender? Really?

When I think of the word surrender, as I have lived it most of my life, the first thought that comes is DEFEAT, then comes the word PAIN. My experience of surrender has always meant giving in to authority, giving up your freedom to choose, to feel or even to be physically and emotionally safe. As a child, forced to surrender, I often merely collapsed and accepted what was to come; after all, what else was I to do? As I grew and found means of control, a push to surrender sparked rebellion and teeth grinding determination. Exercising control gave me a feeling of power and safety which gave me a high that became quite addictive. When teenage rebellion and attitude no longer suited my age, I needed to find other means of control not only to feed my addiction but also to guard myself against recognizing and having to deal with all my unhealed wounds.

As I began to enter into a more honest relationship with God, I started to hear this word surrender more often. Surrender? Surrender to someone you can't see or hear? Surrender to someone who has the ability to do absolutely anything they want to??? Try again! How blessed I am that God is full of mercy and grace and is willing to meet me right where I am at.

Over the last few years, God has be willing to show me His heart. He has wooed me into the desert while He has demonstrated His love for me. He has allowed me to see and experience His presence through His Word, through worship and through His children. All He has asked of me is that I would choose to receive Him, that I would intentionally invite Him in, and by doing that, God put back into place the very thing that had been taken from me...freedom. Day by day as I invite Him into my life, into my pain, into my choices, He continues to show up in ways that teach me of His perfect love. He doesn't demand my surrender, He invites it. And, as I begin to trust His perfect love, I begin to understand that God's intentions for me are good, pleasing and perfect.

Surrendering, like everything else, is a process and is often not easy as a matter of fact, sometimes it is downright painful. But every time I fully surrender a piece of my life to Him I find great comfort and yes, even peace as I lean into my Abba Father who says to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

Reflection of God

Over the last week, I have reflected on my where my journey has taken me over the last few years. What I have been struck by is the way my image of God has changed from season to season. Growing up, I was told that God loved and cared for me and I was open and eager to receive that. My life experiences however, told me that in the “real world” I was not valued for who I was, my feelings were insignificant and that other people had the right to hurt my heart and my body and I needed to submit to that. In order to make my image of God mesh with my real world experiences, I needed to see God as more of a passive observer. He loved and cared for me by being with me but He was more concerned about my choices and behavior than He was about my experiences.

The abuse and trauma that I experienced growing up took its toll on my emotional health and wreaked havoc on my body. My unhealed wounds came out sideways through self abuse and depression and since no one else would accept responsibility, I had to take that on too. The battle was on and the fight was me against myself. Either way, I lose. I wished for death to come for a long time and though I would try, I could never go through with taking my own life. Eventually I needed to make a choice to put the past behind me and take charge of my life.

As an adult then, I could no longer excuse a God of the universe that would stand by and watch a child suffer without intervening so I needed to again adjust my image of God. Now I needed to put a greater distance between us and believe that he was more of a generic God. He loved me because he was God and God loved everyone. He was more of an overseer of all the earth and he cared for me because I was a part of it.

Over the last few years however, God has been painting a new picture of Himself for me, one that is drawn out for us in scripture. As I have sat in prayer and in The Word, God has been revealing His truth to me. He has shown me how the hurt in my life has distorted my image of Him and He has invited me to step into this life with new eyes and allowing Him to draw out for me His image rather then the other way around. Now as I seek to more fully receive his love and truth, I look to Jesus. Christ is the true reflection of God and as I meet Jesus face to face in scriptures and allow His transforming hand to touch my heart and to heal my pain, I can begin to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ.