Longing

This week I have been sitting with the image of Jesus on the beach with his disciples after his resurrection.  He invited them to sit around the fire, rest and eat with him.  It is an amazing image of warmth, love and communion with Him.  As I place myself around that fire I feel a powerful need to drink deeply of this type of offering and yet I feel challenged to receive it.  Sometimes when I feel this in need, this vulnerable, I also tend to feel fear.  It is a fear of being hurt, fear of being violated, fear of being rejected.  This morning I found myself going to a place in my memory when I felt this in need, this vulnerable and yet safe, loved. 

Every once in a while I allow myself to travel far back into my memories and find myself curled up on the couch next to my dear Auntie Lil.  As I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of her hand on my forehead.  I can hear the ping of the rings on her hand as they rubbed up against each other.  I can feel the distinctive rhythm of her fingers as she stroked my hair.  Even as I write these words my body aches with longing as the hot tears flow down my cheek.  Never once did I question my Auntie Lil’s love for me.  Never once did I feel my safety threatened or fear rejection. These moments of time brought unique opportunities to feel deeply loved and protected just as I was. 
 

Many times over the last ten years, these experiences have come to mind as I have tried to grasp how deep and how wide God’s love is for me.  In my reflection of these unique times with my Aunt, I have become more open to receive God’s perfect and tangible love.  However, I think that today, it is the very small child in me that needs to understand and receive this love and yet it is the very small child that feels so vulnerable and in danger.  So this morning, I ask that God would allow the child within me to receive His love through the very heart and hands of the one with whom she felt safe and protected.  I invite Him into these sacred spaces that I believe He provided for me so that this small child might receive all that God desired for her.  I feel nothing less than His blessing as I place this request before Him.  

Thank you Father for meeting me where I am and being willing to love me in ways that I am able to receive.  Amen

The Blood of Christ-Then and Now

This morning as I sit in reflection of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, I am reminded of a previous post.  It felt important to bring out these words again and then consider what they mean to me now.

As I continue to sit with the image of the sinful woman from the gospel of Luke I have found myself coming face to face with the sin in my own life.  Sin that has been thrust upon me, sin that has come out of my own woundedness and my sin in choosing to keep all of it from the one True Healer.  As I step into this awareness, I see myself draped in a filthy, beaten and torn shawl of shame.  For years, I have allowed this shawl to cover me, to be my hiding place.  Now, however as I am present to this piece of my journey, as God has prepared me to be, I am beginning to see new movement.  I hear Christ beckoning me to the cross even as my shawl of shame is draped over my head, my eyes gazing down.  As I approach the cross, I fall to my knees.  Lifting my hands to wrap my fingers around the base of the cross that my Savior is hanging from, I cling to the hope that is there.  The blood from His wounds drips down His beaten body and off His feet, falling on my covered head.  As this drop of blood touches my shawl of shame, by the power, love and grace of Christ alone, it begins to dispel the filth and the shame, replacing it with a dazzling white.  This white slowly bleeds into the rest of my covering as God’s transforming truth penetrates and conquers the sin and lies that I have lived out of for so long.    

Now, over two years after first writing these words I find that they still feel raw and real.  I am still that broken person in need of healing, the unlovable in need of love, the sinner in need of forgiveness.  I am also aware that I have not always stayed at the foot of the cross where such transformational work is done.  Often I turn my head and move away.   If I am to be completely honest I would have to admit that it is fear that pulls me away.  Fear of the truth, fear of exposure, fear of vulnerability.  What I know is that God is bigger than my fear as He gently and continually invites me back.  Each time I return to Him, His healing goes a little deeper, His love spreads a little farther and my shawl becomes a little brighter.  Today I feel so thankful that God has not required me to clean myself up before I come to Him-an impossible task.  Rather, He invites me to come as I am and simply be open to receive His perfect and transforming love.  Lord, may my heart be open to you this day and may I “approach the throne of grace with confidence so that [ I might ] receive mercy and find grace.” Hebrews 4:16

Alone in the crowd

I have been sitting with this picture as the background for my computer screen for some time now.  I was struck instantly by it but was unsure why.  As I look at it I see one bird in the midst of many other birds and yet separated, alone.  I often feel like that one bird as I am aware that though I am surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very much alone.  Some of that loneliness comes out of a felt sense that flows from the streams running deep within my heart and back into the early years of my life.  Though this loneliness is of the past, I find myself perpetuating this feeling in my current day to day life through unconscious and even conscious actions that keep others at a safe distance and isolate myself in my journey.  Do I feel like I deserve to be alone?  Do I fear that others won't want to be with me if they know who I am?  These are some of the questions that I am asking of myself.  As I reflect on all of this, I also pause to consider what my earliest experience of loneliness was like.

As I begin to listen to and validate the traumatic responses that still exist in my body today, they paint a sobering picture of my experience of sexual abuse. As an adult, I am challenged to take in the images and sensations that come with this picture.  As an adult, I have found it quite difficult to share this picture with even my most trusted friends. I find myself wondering what it might have felt like to be a young child trying to figure out what to do with these very experiences.  How do you interpret them?   How do you live in them? How do you hold them all by yourself in a time of life when your greatest concern should be who might you play with that day?  I see a young child walking through her life with an outward appearance of health and happiness yet on the inside is experiencing a raging, torturous battle that she must face alone.  That seems to me to be the very definition of loneliness.  Some time ago I was struck by two simple lines in a song.  "Does anybody see her?  Does anybody hear?"  These lines went deep into my soul as I seemed to identify with those questions.  I find myself asking that question again today.  "How could no one have known?"

As I was sitting with all of this, I found myself asking how can God meet me in this loneliness that seems to run at the very core of my being?  Unaware of why, a recent experience came to mind.  One afternoon, not that long ago, I was in a particularly painful place.  I knew I needed to go into the ministry center that I work at to complete a project so I did.  Generally, I am able to mange my struggle in a way that minimizes how it is displayed over my face and body.  This day however, I seemed unable to do so.  There was not a person in the office that day who was not aware that I was in the midst of a deep and painful struggle.  In the very nature of our community, I was not questioned but acknowledged. I was not ignored but seen. I was not pressed but invited.  In my willingness to be seen, my experience from others that afternoon was of compassion, awareness and presence in the midst of my pain. It seems that God began to answer my question before I even asked it. I believe that God can and will reformat my brain and the way I experience my story through spaces and experiences such as this.  I believe that if I allow Him, He will restore the years the locusts have eaten so that I may know that He is the Lord my God.

God's Profound Love



 “ When I close my eyes to attend to my picture of God, my body is set alive by the experience.  I see colors rising and falling as they flow across a canvas. I hear music swirling and dancing all around me. I feel a deep longing within me to hold the brush from which the colors stream, allowing it to guide my hand with bold yet graceful movement.  My body aches to turn and flow with the swells that the music within me creates.  When I am able and willing to release these longings and step into all that they create, I find myself in a sincere and divine place of worship.  These divine places of worship, at times, are explosive, rich with joy filled energy and yet at other times, reverent and broken so deeply aware of the holiness of God. “

These words came out of a personal journal entry from some time ago.  They touch my heart and remind me of such sacred moments when I have been willing to open my heart, mind and body to God.  When I allow myself to be exposed to God's profound, healing and intimate love, I am blessed with a holy awareness and knowing of my Maker that cannot easily be described.  Today I am invited to allow God's love to penetrate the very shame in my life that I have been hiding and guarding for so very long.  The invitation brings fear and hesitation for what might occur during that process as the shame has kept my secrets safe for such a long time.  It is important now that I remember the words and experience I described over 2 1/2 years ago.  They allow me to look forward remembering that God's love is good and healing and gentle.  They allow me to imagine an experience that comes out of a divine love that brings wholeness and joy.  They encourage and strengthen my choice to allow God to lavish His love on me and to rely on His guard, His protection and to rest under the shadow of His wing.

God's Sufficiency

Recently the story of Moses’ beginning into ministry has been coming to mind. God appeared to him in the midst of a burning bush and spoke directly to him. He clearly told him of his calling and even offered additional encouragement and evidence when Moses was filled with doubt. Moses continued to question his own self sufficiency and God continued to demonstrate His sufficiency. When Moses still could not embrace his calling, God became angry and yet still allowed Moses to move forward in his calling even though he had not fully grasped the truth of God’s ultimate power and authority. In God’s grace, He even provided a crutch for Moses’ unbelief through his brother Aaron.

As I step forward into what God has called me to, I am very aware of how I don’t measure up. I often feel like Moses when he said, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” Exodus 4:10 I find that I shrink back out of my feelings of inadequacy as I notice others around me that are superior in wisdom and graciousness of speech. I am fully aware of my own awkwardness and I am quick to condemn my own unbelief. This viscous cycle keeps me wrapped up in my own self sufficiency and it is an easy way for the enemy to keep me down. Rather today, I choose to acknowledge my weaknesses, notice my areas for growth, ask for my companions to have patience with me, and then lean on God and trust in His provision and sufficiency.

Moving through the darkness into The Light

This morning I have been considering the experience of the disciples during this time of darkness as Christ was lying dead in the tomb. I can only imagine the turmoil they must have felt as they tried to wrap their heads around what had just happened. The man they had come to serve, love and know as the Messiah, the one who had come to save them had been put to death, conquered. What did that mean for them? Fear, doubt and sadness would have put a profound weight on their hearts. They had no understanding of what was to come. I wonder if they replayed the events over the last days and months trying to look for clues that might lead them into a better understanding of what had happened. If nothing else, the memories of being with Jesus might have offered some comfort. Those three days must have felt like three years as they tried to recollect themselves for life with this new reality.

We are gifted in knowing the story and its outcome. We know that the darkness for the disciples is only temporary and that their joy would become so much more complete when Jesus would rise up on that third day, overcoming death, sanctifying us from our sin and reconciling us with our Heavenly Father. As I have sat with these thoughts, I have been drawn into an awareness of my own experiences of fear, doubt and sadness that comes in those dark places. The turmoil that comes with waking up one day and realizing that what you thought you knew has been ripped away and you are left trying to pick up the pieces. The frustration and even anger you feel as you struggle to put the pieces back together and yet you seem to keep dropping them. How might the story of the disciples experience be of comfort to me? We know their story because it has been completed. We know that the darkness was only temporary and that God’s plan was in effect the entire time. We know that moving through the darkness and into the light more fully prepared them for living out God’s mission in their lives. Can I trust that God’s plan continues to be in effect for me? Can I remember His works in my life and look to His face to comfort and sustain me? Can I believe that when the darkness is over I will have even greater clarity and drive to live out what God has purposed me to be? During times of darkness, questions like these might need to be answered daily or even hour by hour. Some days they might need to come as a prayer for the strength and faith to even consider these questions.

So as I consider the journey of the disciples, I might also consider their encouragement as Paul said in Philippians 3:12, 14 I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


Many blessings and care to you in this blessed Easter season.

“You need only to be still”

This morning I sit in deep reflection and prayer as I struggle to make sense of the pieces of my story that are being revealed to me. When I step out of my body and look at these pieces alone, a very clear picture is formed. However, as I remain in my body and attempt to fit these pieces into all that I have believed and known, the picture looks misshaped, deformed. How do I know when the picture is misshaped due to my mind's struggle to hide and protect and when it is misshaped simply because something is out of place. It is a battle in my mind for which I am ill-equipped to fight. As I have sat with all of these thoughts this morning, I cry out to God for help. On impulse, I pick up my phone and see the daily verse app pop up and I wonder what God might have to say to me today. I open the app and the verse that pops up is simply:

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Lord, help me to be still in the midst of such chaos in my mind. I trust you to bring clarity to my story in your way and in your time. Give me the courage to allow the picture to be deformed for now with the knowledge that you will not leave me that way. Amen

Strength in Weakness

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I feel compelled today to claim this scripture not only for myself but for all whose eyes may fall on this blog entry.  As I feel myself weary and worn by life's journey, I look to this passage to remind me of where my strength and renewal comes from.  It is in these times that I can come face to face with my own human limits.  This is truly a gift as I can once again know my need of my Lord and Savior and I can fall into His open arms and rest. 

As I place my hope in Him, I release my own expectations and struggles as well as my belief that this journey is mine to accomplish.  As I turn into Him, I can bask in his loving gaze and know that He will equip me for all that He calls me to.  As I shift my focus in this way, it allows me to stay present to what is now and let go of what is to come.  It is in my weakness that I find my strength.

The Samaritan Woman at the well

I have been sitting this week in the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-25.)  As I have imagined the scene that played out in this story, I have wondered about the initial exchange between Jesus and the woman.  Jesus was tired, thirsty, and the woman had a bucket for which she used to draw some water out of the well.  To us it would make sense that he might ask her for a drink.  In that time however, the Jews and the Samaritans did not typically associate with each other and this request from a man to a woman might even be understood as "flirting."  Her reply, "How can you ask me for a drink," seems to portray suspicion, maybe even  a defensive feel, surely questioning why this man would choose to associate with her. She was a Samaritan and a woman, one  that needed to go to the well in the mid-day heat to draw her water indicating that she was outcast by the other women that would generally go together in the morning. Jesus simply responded saying, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."   The tables are suddenly turned and the question becomes not about why Jesus would associate with the woman but why wouldn't the woman associate with Jesus.

As I have sat with this story, it brings my own to mind.  Several years ago, I was hesitantly, with great caution seeking God.  One evening at a Maundy Thursday service, a pastor invited us to open our hands to receive the living Christ.  I obediently opened my hands but my head remained down, my eyes squeezed shut and every muscle in my body tight as a knot.  Despite all of that, I was still gifted by suddenly experiencing the presence of Jesus, as I felt Him stand directly in front of me.  In that moment, I became very aware of my inability to lift my eyes to receive Him due to my very long list of reason why he shouldn't "associate" with me.  Due to the process that God has been diligent to take me through over these last years however, today I have a very different experience.  In the midst of and even in spite of all those "reasons", I now know that He chooses to and even longs to enter into a place of deep relationship and communion with me.  I do know the gift of God and who it is who speaks to me and there is no longer anything that can keep me from seeking the living water that only He can offer. As the song goes, "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand."

Do you long for deep communion with our Lord Jesus Christ?  What reasons have you listed for why Jesus shouldn't want to associate with you?  Might you offer those to Him in prayer as you share with Him your desire to know Him more deeply?

Back to the Basics

Over this last week, I have noticed significant feelings of oppression and inner tumoil.  These feelings have unearthed shadows of the self-abuse and self-hatred that I formually lived out of.  It has been disturbing to say the least.  After a few days of struggle, I was finally able to pay attention to my true self, the self that lives out of freedom, grace and love.  I was finally able to know again, that I needed to shift my focus and go back to the basics.  A question that had once been asked of me, came to mind once again.  "What does it look like to live loved?"  It was a gentle reminder to me that God was inviting me to simply be with Him, enjoy Him, receive from Him and love Him.  So I turn, seek the face of Jesus, worship, rest and trust in His unfailing love.  It doesn't magically make my circumstances or challenges disappear but it does bring me back to the hope of knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me and He will complete what He has begun!

Shame-Trapped in the Body

My brief stay in the hospital during my senior year brought out a lot of questions but it also put the idea in my head that maybe life didn’t have to be this way. Maybe there was reason I felt so full of shame. And with that, maybe there was a hope for healing. After I graduated from high school, my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts continued. I came to a place in my life that I became truly fed up with feeling the way I did and I became determined to do whatever was necessary for me to enjoy life. I decided to request placement in an adult day program for people seeking mental health services. This was my first step towards independence and freedom but also the beginning of a very long journey.

Recently, my thoughts have drifted back to one therapy class in particular that I was to participate in. It was a class that integrated therapy with body movement. This was the one activity that I resisted with full force. Typically, during this class, you would find me standing up against a wall with my arms crossed in full refusal to offer any sign of participation. My resistance was so predictable and so loud that it soon became laughable. My resistance, however, was also a very clear signal that my shame was completely woven into my very body. Physical expression with my body would have given away this secret. This was not a conscious awareness as I am only now, 20 years later, putting this all together. However, I do not think it to be a coincidence that now, as I seek God’s healing in my life, He has brought me back around to noticing my body’s experiences and resistances and inviting me to experience freedom not just in my heart and mind but also in my body. He has also given me the hope that what was once used for harm will be one day used to greater His kingdom.

Protected and Loved

As I continue to be present to what God brings forth on my journey towards wholeness, I occasionally find myself in vulnerable, rather disorientating places and yet will need to continue on with day to day life. This can be a difficult combination as often, when I feel this way, I retreat within myself which makes “functioning” a challenge.

Today God has given me a new image to hold in those places. I saw an eagle, fiercly standing over and guarding her chicks. The eaglets are completely vulnurable. They could easily be a tasty snack to many animals or they could even fall out of the nest as they are still orientating themeselves to their new world. The mothers eyes are strong, her senses keen.  She will protect her baby at all cost. 

I am aware that often, I think of God's protection more as a gentle awareness rather than with the fierce intensity of a mother guarding her young.  As a mother, I know how I would feel if one of my children were in danger.  Why then should I expect any less from the God of the universe? In scripture Jesus describes himself saying, "I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:11  This is not an image of a passive love but of a powerful love that is fully present, fully engaged and fully committed.  This is the love God has for us.

The Blood of Christ

As I continue to sit with the image of the sinful woman from the gospel of Luke I have found myself coming face to face with the sin in my own life. Sin that has been thrust upon me, sin that has come out of my own woundedness and my sin in choosing to keep all of it from the one True Healer. As I step into this awareness, I see myself draped in a filthy, beaten and torn shawl of shame. For years, I have allowed this shawl to cover me, to be my hiding place. Now, however as I am present to this piece of my journey, as God has prepared me to be, I am beginning to see new movement. I hear Christ beckoning me to the cross even as my shawl of shame is draped over my head, my eyes gazing down. As I approach the cross, I fall to my knees. Lifting my hands to wrap my fingers around the base of the cross that my Savior is hanging from, I cling to the hope that is there. The blood from His wounds drips down His beaten body and off His feet, falling on my covered head. As this drop of blood touches my shawl of shame, by the power, love and grace of Christ alone, it begins to dispel the filth and the shame, replacing it with a dazzling white, clean and pure. This white slowly bleeds into the rest of my covering as God's transforming truth penetrates and conquers the sin and lies that I have lived out of for so long.

When God gives me a gift such as this image, I am reminded of the power of scripture and prayer.  As I am willing to be still and allow the Holy Spirit to communicate God's truth through TheWord and through annointed imagery, it is then that His truth can become mine.  For a battle that has run as deep and as long as this one has, it will take time for the truth to fully encomposs my life.  I will take this image now and continue to meditate on it, experience it, even draw a picture of it to soak it in to my very being as I open myself to God's transforming work.  It is truly His work, I have only to be present and willing.  What a gift!

The Sinful Woman

Often I will sit in scripture that speaks into my own story. One of these passages comes out of Luke 7:36-50, the story of Jesus being anointed by a sinful woman. Scripture doesn't speak into what happened before the sinful woman showed up at the house where Jesus was staying, nor does it speak to what thoughts she may have had. My ponderings on these thoughts are hypothetical and may or may not be culturally accurate. However, as I consider all of these things, I find myself in a holy space where God can meet me in my own story to speak His truth in profound ways. The following piece is some of my writing that has come out of this type of study.

I Imagine

I imagine a woman living a sinful, immoral life. She walks through the streets drawing attention to herself, appearing bold and confident in what she has to offer.

I imagine a woman alone in her home, covered in shame and despair.

I imagine this woman hearing stories of Jesus. Stories of hope coming out of despair; stories that uncover a deep longing in her heart. A longing to be known in the midst of her sinfulness and to be loved in spite of it.

I imagine this woman going to listen to Jesus as he teaches the crowd yet staying at a distance, hidden.

I imagine Jesus, fully aware of her presence and yet careful not to reveal her hiding place or His knowledge of it. All the while, Jesus speaks clearly the words he knows her heart needs to hear.

I imagine a woman who knows that this is the man that will take the place of all others.

I imagine the stares of the onlookers in the room as the woman approaches Jesus in spite of all the social and religious implications.

I imagine the woman, holding nothing back, pouring out her love and gratitude knowing she need not look any further for her savior.

I imagine Jesus as he turned to the woman and looked at her with a love and acceptance, not of the sinful life she has led, but of the child God first created. A look so powerful that it penetrates her heart.

"Your sins are forgiven…Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

The Hospital part 2-Facing the Pain

Sitting in one of the small conference rooms at the hospital, I met with a therapist and my mother. To be honest, I can't remember what the conversation was about but the air of exposure, shame and vulnerability that I was experiencing was more than I could tolerate. Somehow, in the midst of this high security hospital floor, I happened upon a safety pin which I proceeded to hide in my hand. Opening the pin up, I took the sharp point and ran it back and forth over the top of my hand. I pressed the point in enough to feel the pain but not too much so as not to draw out more blood than I could hide. The meeting I was in was painful enough that the sensation that came from cutting myself actually seemed to bring relief. The pain of the safety pin breaking and scraping my skin allowed my mind to be distracted from the experience at hand but it also gave me a feeling of control and power in my out of control, powerless world. Later that day, the abrasions I created on my hand were seen and I was forced to relinquish the safety pin.

As an adult, I learned to find other ways to distract from my deep inner pain that were less obvious and more acceptable. It might show itself through very controlled eating habits or a busy schedule that just won't stop. Even something as simple as twitching my foot back and forth in short sudden bursts allows my mind and body to be distracted from whatever I am experiencing. God, however, has been inviting me into a new way. As He has softened my heart to see and to know Him, He has given me safe spaces to stop all movement, be still and be present to the pain. He has been willing to be present with me in the pain showing me His truth, allowing it to penetrate my heart as I am able to receive it. Old habits die hard however, and even as recently as last week I found myself going into that survival mode. The increasing questions in my life that seem to have no answers triggered my old ways and I slipped into a mode of seeking activities that were logical and controllable. I was aware of what I was doing but I had made my peace with it. God however, had not. He spoke directly into my heart (though I was not asking) and invited me to hold onto Him as my firm rock, my stronghold. My first thought of course was "can I do it both ways?" I knew the answer to that before I asked it but it was one last feeble attempt to do it myself. I didn't relent right away but within a couple of hours, God's words penetrated my heart and I repented and received God's grace and peace in that moment.

God is gracious, He is good and He is safe. He does not need to prove that to us, but He is willing. As we show up and provide the space for God to pour out His love on us, He is faithful to do just that. Showing up however, can be scary and even difficult. If it feels overwhelming, seeking out a spiritual friend or community can help us get started in this practice. Hold closely the words that are anointed by God as James 4:8 reads, "Come near to God and He will come near to you." NIV

Freedom...the gifts and the invitations

Stepping into a place of true freedom in Christ sounds like quite a glorious experience. It is true that the gifts and blessings of this movement within you are abundant. It is out of that very place of freedom that I have been drawn into sharing my story as Christ is rising up within me. As with everything else however, it is also a process. Living the Christ life requires a continuing transforming and renewing of the mind. During such a process of shedding off the ways of man and picking up the ways of Christ, we often will find our old ways in battle with the new. The invitation in those moments is to press into what you are noticing, recognizing it for what it is, ponder what may have triggered the response and then seek God's truth about it. If in that process, you need to bow out for whatever reason, do it honestly and receive God's grace in that moment.

As I have been intentional about stepping into what God is drawing out in me, I continue to notice the battle that goes on. In the last week alone, I have noticed several times, a certain heaviness that has suddenly come over me. It generally presents itself as a deep need to close my eyes and go to sleep and is typically triggered by a situation, a word or a feeling. My increasing ability to be present to the process has allowed me to press into most of these occurrences and walk through them holding firmly to the Truth I find in Jesus Christ. Last night as I experienced this response again, I allowed myself to be attentive to what was there. I noticed the feelings but didn't know where it came from, though I could think of a few possibilities. Sometimes, I think the invitation is to allow the feelings to be there even if there is no explanation. Knowing this, I tried to sit it out. When the "sleepiness" would not dissipate, I finally decided to honor where I was in that given moment and "bow out" not out of a place of fear or hiding but out of a willingness to care for myself. Last night, the space I was in required my attention in a way I could not offer. In that moment, caring for myself meant being OK with not "accomplishing" the task at hand but being willing to walk away. As I continue on the path that the Lord has laid out for me, it will be important not only for myself but for those around me, to care for myself in healthy, life giving ways. Choosing to walk away last night was not a step backwards towards bondage but rather, a step forwards towards greater health and freedom.

Where’s that coming from?!

Goooood Morning Station 84, was the call that I heard every morning for two weeks on the locked ward at Abbot Northwestern Hospital. My desperate cries for help through my desire to end my life were what had brought me to that space. Talk about surrendering to authority and giving up freedom! During my intake, they dug through my suitcase taking everything that could pose any danger to myself or others. They had thought of more ways to harm yourself than I could even imagine. By the end, I had really nothing left but clothing as most all of my personal care items had been confiscated. We weren't even allowed to drink pop out of a pop can because we might intentionally cut ourselves on the opening. As I have mentioned in my previous post, my response to forced surrender at that time in my life was to fight back in ways that would declare that I still had some control. I remember very clearly one night, in a state of rebellion, climbing up on top of the closet in my room, barely fitting my body into the space between the closet and the ceiling. I fully enjoyed the opportunity to freak the nurse out when she came to do our bed check as she, of course, feared that I would dive head first onto the hard concrete ground. Wow, I guess they hadn't thought of everything! What a great rush that was as the power shifted and suddenly the fear landed on someone else as I was the one calling the shots. Not really being quite that hard of a person, I could only hold that position for a few moments before I obediently climbed down but it was a feeling I was not soon to forget.

Many years later, as an adult with a family of my own, I went off on a weekend retreat to find some space with God. I had already begun to step into a more honest relationship with God and was eager to experience greater intimacy with Him. Upon arriving at that retreat, I was asked to relinquish my watch and any question or awareness of time for 3 days. For 3 days, I was told where to go and when to go there. For 3 days, I was asked to surrender any and all need for knowledge of what I was about to experience. The design of these requests was to fully allow you to be present to the moment and to let the outside world run on its own for a while. Due to my experiences with surrender as a child and my continued belief that I did not have the freedom of choice, this plan only triggered fear which triggered the need to control. Something to notice! On the first day there, we were told not to pull out our alarm clocks or watches as we went to sleep but that they would wake us when it was time. This is where I started searching for control and that rebellious attitude started to kick in. I simply refused to sleep that night so that I could control what time I woke up the next morning! For the rest of the weekend, I looked for any and all subtle opportunities to go against the grain. I would not wear my name tag, I chose not to share with the group and I refused to let them see me cry! Everything about my responses only further demonstrated my desperate need for healing.

Our actions and reactions in our present day life are always worth noticing and reflecting upon. They generally have quite a bit to tell us and are a mirror to our soul. My rebellion, depression and self abuse as a teenager was not just some fun and exciting thing that I decided to try some Saturday night. It was a signal that things in my life were crazy out of control and that I was living in a whole lot of pain. As an adult, it brought me into a continued awareness that God was still at work to bring out greater freedom from the bondage I had lived out of for so long. As I have become more accustomed to noticing my reactions, I am more able to stop and notice the underlying struggle or feeling that they are coming out of. Some days, I will find myself in a group setting and I will choose the seat that is closest to the door. That is my way of saying, "I don't feel entirely safe so I need to secure my exit." Or maybe during a group exercise to still ourselves, we are asked to put our feet on the floor and I will find that I intentionally sit cross legged on my chair. That is my way of saying, "My emotions are scary right now and I am not comfortable within my own body so I don't want to pay attention to it." We all have these reactions. Some are more obvious but many are very subtle. The gift that I have been taught is learning to simply notice them, be ok with where I am at and even give myself freedom to make the choices that will give me what I need. God can meet me right where I am at with love and grace, so why shouldn't I?

Peace...in surrender? Really?

When I think of the word surrender, as I have lived it most of my life, the first thought that comes is DEFEAT, then comes the word PAIN. My experience of surrender has always meant giving in to authority, giving up your freedom to choose, to feel or even to be physically and emotionally safe. As a child, forced to surrender, I often merely collapsed and accepted what was to come; after all, what else was I to do? As I grew and found means of control, a push to surrender sparked rebellion and teeth grinding determination. Exercising control gave me a feeling of power and safety which gave me a high that became quite addictive. When teenage rebellion and attitude no longer suited my age, I needed to find other means of control not only to feed my addiction but also to guard myself against recognizing and having to deal with all my unhealed wounds.

As I began to enter into a more honest relationship with God, I started to hear this word surrender more often. Surrender? Surrender to someone you can't see or hear? Surrender to someone who has the ability to do absolutely anything they want to??? Try again! How blessed I am that God is full of mercy and grace and is willing to meet me right where I am at.

Over the last few years, God has be willing to show me His heart. He has wooed me into the desert while He has demonstrated His love for me. He has allowed me to see and experience His presence through His Word, through worship and through His children. All He has asked of me is that I would choose to receive Him, that I would intentionally invite Him in, and by doing that, God put back into place the very thing that had been taken from me...freedom. Day by day as I invite Him into my life, into my pain, into my choices, He continues to show up in ways that teach me of His perfect love. He doesn't demand my surrender, He invites it. And, as I begin to trust His perfect love, I begin to understand that God's intentions for me are good, pleasing and perfect.

Surrendering, like everything else, is a process and is often not easy as a matter of fact, sometimes it is downright painful. But every time I fully surrender a piece of my life to Him I find great comfort and yes, even peace as I lean into my Abba Father who says to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

Reflection of God

Over the last week, I have reflected on my where my journey has taken me over the last few years. What I have been struck by is the way my image of God has changed from season to season. Growing up, I was told that God loved and cared for me and I was open and eager to receive that. My life experiences however, told me that in the “real world” I was not valued for who I was, my feelings were insignificant and that other people had the right to hurt my heart and my body and I needed to submit to that. In order to make my image of God mesh with my real world experiences, I needed to see God as more of a passive observer. He loved and cared for me by being with me but He was more concerned about my choices and behavior than He was about my experiences.

The abuse and trauma that I experienced growing up took its toll on my emotional health and wreaked havoc on my body. My unhealed wounds came out sideways through self abuse and depression and since no one else would accept responsibility, I had to take that on too. The battle was on and the fight was me against myself. Either way, I lose. I wished for death to come for a long time and though I would try, I could never go through with taking my own life. Eventually I needed to make a choice to put the past behind me and take charge of my life.

As an adult then, I could no longer excuse a God of the universe that would stand by and watch a child suffer without intervening so I needed to again adjust my image of God. Now I needed to put a greater distance between us and believe that he was more of a generic God. He loved me because he was God and God loved everyone. He was more of an overseer of all the earth and he cared for me because I was a part of it.

Over the last few years however, God has been painting a new picture of Himself for me, one that is drawn out for us in scripture. As I have sat in prayer and in The Word, God has been revealing His truth to me. He has shown me how the hurt in my life has distorted my image of Him and He has invited me to step into this life with new eyes and allowing Him to draw out for me His image rather then the other way around. Now as I seek to more fully receive his love and truth, I look to Jesus. Christ is the true reflection of God and as I meet Jesus face to face in scriptures and allow His transforming hand to touch my heart and to heal my pain, I can begin to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ.

Christ has risen!

He has risen indeed! As each year goes by and I grow more deeply in my faith, I find that the days of remembrance and celebration carry more depth in their meaning. This particular Easter season however, has not been the joyful time for me of past seasons. The challenges of my journey has made it difficult to embrace the moment as I would like to. As I continue to be honest with the Lord however, He has been faithful to make Himself known to me. Today as I stood in church seeking to attend to the amazing miracle and gift of our risen Lord, a powerful phrase settled in on me that quickly brought me into the moment. Not only has Christ risen from the dead but He has risen within us! As those words ran through my mind over and over again, I began to notice a movement within me that wanted to burst forth and share this message of truth with those around me. The power, love and grace of God is made alive within us so that we might experience communion with Him and be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around us. This is the true miracle of Easter.

Have you allowed the Lord Jesus Christ to rise up within you?