God's Sufficiency

Recently the story of Moses’ beginning into ministry has been coming to mind. God appeared to him in the midst of a burning bush and spoke directly to him. He clearly told him of his calling and even offered additional encouragement and evidence when Moses was filled with doubt. Moses continued to question his own self sufficiency and God continued to demonstrate His sufficiency. When Moses still could not embrace his calling, God became angry and yet still allowed Moses to move forward in his calling even though he had not fully grasped the truth of God’s ultimate power and authority. In God’s grace, He even provided a crutch for Moses’ unbelief through his brother Aaron.

As I step forward into what God has called me to, I am very aware of how I don’t measure up. I often feel like Moses when he said, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” Exodus 4:10 I find that I shrink back out of my feelings of inadequacy as I notice others around me that are superior in wisdom and graciousness of speech. I am fully aware of my own awkwardness and I am quick to condemn my own unbelief. This viscous cycle keeps me wrapped up in my own self sufficiency and it is an easy way for the enemy to keep me down. Rather today, I choose to acknowledge my weaknesses, notice my areas for growth, ask for my companions to have patience with me, and then lean on God and trust in His provision and sufficiency.

Moving through the darkness into The Light

This morning I have been considering the experience of the disciples during this time of darkness as Christ was lying dead in the tomb. I can only imagine the turmoil they must have felt as they tried to wrap their heads around what had just happened. The man they had come to serve, love and know as the Messiah, the one who had come to save them had been put to death, conquered. What did that mean for them? Fear, doubt and sadness would have put a profound weight on their hearts. They had no understanding of what was to come. I wonder if they replayed the events over the last days and months trying to look for clues that might lead them into a better understanding of what had happened. If nothing else, the memories of being with Jesus might have offered some comfort. Those three days must have felt like three years as they tried to recollect themselves for life with this new reality.

We are gifted in knowing the story and its outcome. We know that the darkness for the disciples is only temporary and that their joy would become so much more complete when Jesus would rise up on that third day, overcoming death, sanctifying us from our sin and reconciling us with our Heavenly Father. As I have sat with these thoughts, I have been drawn into an awareness of my own experiences of fear, doubt and sadness that comes in those dark places. The turmoil that comes with waking up one day and realizing that what you thought you knew has been ripped away and you are left trying to pick up the pieces. The frustration and even anger you feel as you struggle to put the pieces back together and yet you seem to keep dropping them. How might the story of the disciples experience be of comfort to me? We know their story because it has been completed. We know that the darkness was only temporary and that God’s plan was in effect the entire time. We know that moving through the darkness and into the light more fully prepared them for living out God’s mission in their lives. Can I trust that God’s plan continues to be in effect for me? Can I remember His works in my life and look to His face to comfort and sustain me? Can I believe that when the darkness is over I will have even greater clarity and drive to live out what God has purposed me to be? During times of darkness, questions like these might need to be answered daily or even hour by hour. Some days they might need to come as a prayer for the strength and faith to even consider these questions.

So as I consider the journey of the disciples, I might also consider their encouragement as Paul said in Philippians 3:12, 14 I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


Many blessings and care to you in this blessed Easter season.

“You need only to be still”

This morning I sit in deep reflection and prayer as I struggle to make sense of the pieces of my story that are being revealed to me. When I step out of my body and look at these pieces alone, a very clear picture is formed. However, as I remain in my body and attempt to fit these pieces into all that I have believed and known, the picture looks misshaped, deformed. How do I know when the picture is misshaped due to my mind's struggle to hide and protect and when it is misshaped simply because something is out of place. It is a battle in my mind for which I am ill-equipped to fight. As I have sat with all of these thoughts this morning, I cry out to God for help. On impulse, I pick up my phone and see the daily verse app pop up and I wonder what God might have to say to me today. I open the app and the verse that pops up is simply:

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Lord, help me to be still in the midst of such chaos in my mind. I trust you to bring clarity to my story in your way and in your time. Give me the courage to allow the picture to be deformed for now with the knowledge that you will not leave me that way. Amen

Strength in Weakness

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I feel compelled today to claim this scripture not only for myself but for all whose eyes may fall on this blog entry.  As I feel myself weary and worn by life's journey, I look to this passage to remind me of where my strength and renewal comes from.  It is in these times that I can come face to face with my own human limits.  This is truly a gift as I can once again know my need of my Lord and Savior and I can fall into His open arms and rest. 

As I place my hope in Him, I release my own expectations and struggles as well as my belief that this journey is mine to accomplish.  As I turn into Him, I can bask in his loving gaze and know that He will equip me for all that He calls me to.  As I shift my focus in this way, it allows me to stay present to what is now and let go of what is to come.  It is in my weakness that I find my strength.

The Samaritan Woman at the well

I have been sitting this week in the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-25.)  As I have imagined the scene that played out in this story, I have wondered about the initial exchange between Jesus and the woman.  Jesus was tired, thirsty, and the woman had a bucket for which she used to draw some water out of the well.  To us it would make sense that he might ask her for a drink.  In that time however, the Jews and the Samaritans did not typically associate with each other and this request from a man to a woman might even be understood as "flirting."  Her reply, "How can you ask me for a drink," seems to portray suspicion, maybe even  a defensive feel, surely questioning why this man would choose to associate with her. She was a Samaritan and a woman, one  that needed to go to the well in the mid-day heat to draw her water indicating that she was outcast by the other women that would generally go together in the morning. Jesus simply responded saying, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."   The tables are suddenly turned and the question becomes not about why Jesus would associate with the woman but why wouldn't the woman associate with Jesus.

As I have sat with this story, it brings my own to mind.  Several years ago, I was hesitantly, with great caution seeking God.  One evening at a Maundy Thursday service, a pastor invited us to open our hands to receive the living Christ.  I obediently opened my hands but my head remained down, my eyes squeezed shut and every muscle in my body tight as a knot.  Despite all of that, I was still gifted by suddenly experiencing the presence of Jesus, as I felt Him stand directly in front of me.  In that moment, I became very aware of my inability to lift my eyes to receive Him due to my very long list of reason why he shouldn't "associate" with me.  Due to the process that God has been diligent to take me through over these last years however, today I have a very different experience.  In the midst of and even in spite of all those "reasons", I now know that He chooses to and even longs to enter into a place of deep relationship and communion with me.  I do know the gift of God and who it is who speaks to me and there is no longer anything that can keep me from seeking the living water that only He can offer. As the song goes, "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand."

Do you long for deep communion with our Lord Jesus Christ?  What reasons have you listed for why Jesus shouldn't want to associate with you?  Might you offer those to Him in prayer as you share with Him your desire to know Him more deeply?

Back to the Basics

Over this last week, I have noticed significant feelings of oppression and inner tumoil.  These feelings have unearthed shadows of the self-abuse and self-hatred that I formually lived out of.  It has been disturbing to say the least.  After a few days of struggle, I was finally able to pay attention to my true self, the self that lives out of freedom, grace and love.  I was finally able to know again, that I needed to shift my focus and go back to the basics.  A question that had once been asked of me, came to mind once again.  "What does it look like to live loved?"  It was a gentle reminder to me that God was inviting me to simply be with Him, enjoy Him, receive from Him and love Him.  So I turn, seek the face of Jesus, worship, rest and trust in His unfailing love.  It doesn't magically make my circumstances or challenges disappear but it does bring me back to the hope of knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me and He will complete what He has begun!

Shame-Trapped in the Body

My brief stay in the hospital during my senior year brought out a lot of questions but it also put the idea in my head that maybe life didn’t have to be this way. Maybe there was reason I felt so full of shame. And with that, maybe there was a hope for healing. After I graduated from high school, my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts continued. I came to a place in my life that I became truly fed up with feeling the way I did and I became determined to do whatever was necessary for me to enjoy life. I decided to request placement in an adult day program for people seeking mental health services. This was my first step towards independence and freedom but also the beginning of a very long journey.

Recently, my thoughts have drifted back to one therapy class in particular that I was to participate in. It was a class that integrated therapy with body movement. This was the one activity that I resisted with full force. Typically, during this class, you would find me standing up against a wall with my arms crossed in full refusal to offer any sign of participation. My resistance was so predictable and so loud that it soon became laughable. My resistance, however, was also a very clear signal that my shame was completely woven into my very body. Physical expression with my body would have given away this secret. This was not a conscious awareness as I am only now, 20 years later, putting this all together. However, I do not think it to be a coincidence that now, as I seek God’s healing in my life, He has brought me back around to noticing my body’s experiences and resistances and inviting me to experience freedom not just in my heart and mind but also in my body. He has also given me the hope that what was once used for harm will be one day used to greater His kingdom.