“You need only to be still”

This morning I sit in deep reflection and prayer as I struggle to make sense of the pieces of my story that are being revealed to me. When I step out of my body and look at these pieces alone, a very clear picture is formed. However, as I remain in my body and attempt to fit these pieces into all that I have believed and known, the picture looks misshaped, deformed. How do I know when the picture is misshaped due to my mind's struggle to hide and protect and when it is misshaped simply because something is out of place. It is a battle in my mind for which I am ill-equipped to fight. As I have sat with all of these thoughts this morning, I cry out to God for help. On impulse, I pick up my phone and see the daily verse app pop up and I wonder what God might have to say to me today. I open the app and the verse that pops up is simply:

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Lord, help me to be still in the midst of such chaos in my mind. I trust you to bring clarity to my story in your way and in your time. Give me the courage to allow the picture to be deformed for now with the knowledge that you will not leave me that way. Amen

Strength in Weakness

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I feel compelled today to claim this scripture not only for myself but for all whose eyes may fall on this blog entry.  As I feel myself weary and worn by life's journey, I look to this passage to remind me of where my strength and renewal comes from.  It is in these times that I can come face to face with my own human limits.  This is truly a gift as I can once again know my need of my Lord and Savior and I can fall into His open arms and rest. 

As I place my hope in Him, I release my own expectations and struggles as well as my belief that this journey is mine to accomplish.  As I turn into Him, I can bask in his loving gaze and know that He will equip me for all that He calls me to.  As I shift my focus in this way, it allows me to stay present to what is now and let go of what is to come.  It is in my weakness that I find my strength.

The Samaritan Woman at the well

I have been sitting this week in the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-25.)  As I have imagined the scene that played out in this story, I have wondered about the initial exchange between Jesus and the woman.  Jesus was tired, thirsty, and the woman had a bucket for which she used to draw some water out of the well.  To us it would make sense that he might ask her for a drink.  In that time however, the Jews and the Samaritans did not typically associate with each other and this request from a man to a woman might even be understood as "flirting."  Her reply, "How can you ask me for a drink," seems to portray suspicion, maybe even  a defensive feel, surely questioning why this man would choose to associate with her. She was a Samaritan and a woman, one  that needed to go to the well in the mid-day heat to draw her water indicating that she was outcast by the other women that would generally go together in the morning. Jesus simply responded saying, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."   The tables are suddenly turned and the question becomes not about why Jesus would associate with the woman but why wouldn't the woman associate with Jesus.

As I have sat with this story, it brings my own to mind.  Several years ago, I was hesitantly, with great caution seeking God.  One evening at a Maundy Thursday service, a pastor invited us to open our hands to receive the living Christ.  I obediently opened my hands but my head remained down, my eyes squeezed shut and every muscle in my body tight as a knot.  Despite all of that, I was still gifted by suddenly experiencing the presence of Jesus, as I felt Him stand directly in front of me.  In that moment, I became very aware of my inability to lift my eyes to receive Him due to my very long list of reason why he shouldn't "associate" with me.  Due to the process that God has been diligent to take me through over these last years however, today I have a very different experience.  In the midst of and even in spite of all those "reasons", I now know that He chooses to and even longs to enter into a place of deep relationship and communion with me.  I do know the gift of God and who it is who speaks to me and there is no longer anything that can keep me from seeking the living water that only He can offer. As the song goes, "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand."

Do you long for deep communion with our Lord Jesus Christ?  What reasons have you listed for why Jesus shouldn't want to associate with you?  Might you offer those to Him in prayer as you share with Him your desire to know Him more deeply?

Back to the Basics

Over this last week, I have noticed significant feelings of oppression and inner tumoil.  These feelings have unearthed shadows of the self-abuse and self-hatred that I formually lived out of.  It has been disturbing to say the least.  After a few days of struggle, I was finally able to pay attention to my true self, the self that lives out of freedom, grace and love.  I was finally able to know again, that I needed to shift my focus and go back to the basics.  A question that had once been asked of me, came to mind once again.  "What does it look like to live loved?"  It was a gentle reminder to me that God was inviting me to simply be with Him, enjoy Him, receive from Him and love Him.  So I turn, seek the face of Jesus, worship, rest and trust in His unfailing love.  It doesn't magically make my circumstances or challenges disappear but it does bring me back to the hope of knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me and He will complete what He has begun!

Shame-Trapped in the Body

My brief stay in the hospital during my senior year brought out a lot of questions but it also put the idea in my head that maybe life didn’t have to be this way. Maybe there was reason I felt so full of shame. And with that, maybe there was a hope for healing. After I graduated from high school, my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts continued. I came to a place in my life that I became truly fed up with feeling the way I did and I became determined to do whatever was necessary for me to enjoy life. I decided to request placement in an adult day program for people seeking mental health services. This was my first step towards independence and freedom but also the beginning of a very long journey.

Recently, my thoughts have drifted back to one therapy class in particular that I was to participate in. It was a class that integrated therapy with body movement. This was the one activity that I resisted with full force. Typically, during this class, you would find me standing up against a wall with my arms crossed in full refusal to offer any sign of participation. My resistance was so predictable and so loud that it soon became laughable. My resistance, however, was also a very clear signal that my shame was completely woven into my very body. Physical expression with my body would have given away this secret. This was not a conscious awareness as I am only now, 20 years later, putting this all together. However, I do not think it to be a coincidence that now, as I seek God’s healing in my life, He has brought me back around to noticing my body’s experiences and resistances and inviting me to experience freedom not just in my heart and mind but also in my body. He has also given me the hope that what was once used for harm will be one day used to greater His kingdom.

Protected and Loved

As I continue to be present to what God brings forth on my journey towards wholeness, I occasionally find myself in vulnerable, rather disorientating places and yet will need to continue on with day to day life. This can be a difficult combination as often, when I feel this way, I retreat within myself which makes “functioning” a challenge.

Today God has given me a new image to hold in those places. I saw an eagle, fiercly standing over and guarding her chicks. The eaglets are completely vulnurable. They could easily be a tasty snack to many animals or they could even fall out of the nest as they are still orientating themeselves to their new world. The mothers eyes are strong, her senses keen.  She will protect her baby at all cost. 

I am aware that often, I think of God's protection more as a gentle awareness rather than with the fierce intensity of a mother guarding her young.  As a mother, I know how I would feel if one of my children were in danger.  Why then should I expect any less from the God of the universe? In scripture Jesus describes himself saying, "I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:11  This is not an image of a passive love but of a powerful love that is fully present, fully engaged and fully committed.  This is the love God has for us.

The Blood of Christ

As I continue to sit with the image of the sinful woman from the gospel of Luke I have found myself coming face to face with the sin in my own life. Sin that has been thrust upon me, sin that has come out of my own woundedness and my sin in choosing to keep all of it from the one True Healer. As I step into this awareness, I see myself draped in a filthy, beaten and torn shawl of shame. For years, I have allowed this shawl to cover me, to be my hiding place. Now, however as I am present to this piece of my journey, as God has prepared me to be, I am beginning to see new movement. I hear Christ beckoning me to the cross even as my shawl of shame is draped over my head, my eyes gazing down. As I approach the cross, I fall to my knees. Lifting my hands to wrap my fingers around the base of the cross that my Savior is hanging from, I cling to the hope that is there. The blood from His wounds drips down His beaten body and off His feet, falling on my covered head. As this drop of blood touches my shawl of shame, by the power, love and grace of Christ alone, it begins to dispel the filth and the shame, replacing it with a dazzling white, clean and pure. This white slowly bleeds into the rest of my covering as God's transforming truth penetrates and conquers the sin and lies that I have lived out of for so long.

When God gives me a gift such as this image, I am reminded of the power of scripture and prayer.  As I am willing to be still and allow the Holy Spirit to communicate God's truth through TheWord and through annointed imagery, it is then that His truth can become mine.  For a battle that has run as deep and as long as this one has, it will take time for the truth to fully encomposs my life.  I will take this image now and continue to meditate on it, experience it, even draw a picture of it to soak it in to my very being as I open myself to God's transforming work.  It is truly His work, I have only to be present and willing.  What a gift!