Alone in the crowd

I have been sitting with this picture as the background for my computer screen for some time now.  I was struck instantly by it but was unsure why.  As I look at it I see one bird in the midst of many other birds and yet separated, alone.  I often feel like that one bird as I am aware that though I am surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very much alone.  Some of that loneliness comes out of a felt sense that flows from the streams running deep within my heart and back into the early years of my life.  Though this loneliness is of the past, I find myself perpetuating this feeling in my current day to day life through unconscious and even conscious actions that keep others at a safe distance and isolate myself in my journey.  Do I feel like I deserve to be alone?  Do I fear that others won't want to be with me if they know who I am?  These are some of the questions that I am asking of myself.  As I reflect on all of this, I also pause to consider what my earliest experience of loneliness was like.

As I begin to listen to and validate the traumatic responses that still exist in my body today, they paint a sobering picture of my experience of sexual abuse. As an adult, I am challenged to take in the images and sensations that come with this picture.  As an adult, I have found it quite difficult to share this picture with even my most trusted friends. I find myself wondering what it might have felt like to be a young child trying to figure out what to do with these very experiences.  How do you interpret them?   How do you live in them? How do you hold them all by yourself in a time of life when your greatest concern should be who might you play with that day?  I see a young child walking through her life with an outward appearance of health and happiness yet on the inside is experiencing a raging, torturous battle that she must face alone.  That seems to me to be the very definition of loneliness.  Some time ago I was struck by two simple lines in a song.  "Does anybody see her?  Does anybody hear?"  These lines went deep into my soul as I seemed to identify with those questions.  I find myself asking that question again today.  "How could no one have known?"

As I was sitting with all of this, I found myself asking how can God meet me in this loneliness that seems to run at the very core of my being?  Unaware of why, a recent experience came to mind.  One afternoon, not that long ago, I was in a particularly painful place.  I knew I needed to go into the ministry center that I work at to complete a project so I did.  Generally, I am able to mange my struggle in a way that minimizes how it is displayed over my face and body.  This day however, I seemed unable to do so.  There was not a person in the office that day who was not aware that I was in the midst of a deep and painful struggle.  In the very nature of our community, I was not questioned but acknowledged. I was not ignored but seen. I was not pressed but invited.  In my willingness to be seen, my experience from others that afternoon was of compassion, awareness and presence in the midst of my pain. It seems that God began to answer my question before I even asked it. I believe that God can and will reformat my brain and the way I experience my story through spaces and experiences such as this.  I believe that if I allow Him, He will restore the years the locusts have eaten so that I may know that He is the Lord my God.

God's Profound Love



 “ When I close my eyes to attend to my picture of God, my body is set alive by the experience.  I see colors rising and falling as they flow across a canvas. I hear music swirling and dancing all around me. I feel a deep longing within me to hold the brush from which the colors stream, allowing it to guide my hand with bold yet graceful movement.  My body aches to turn and flow with the swells that the music within me creates.  When I am able and willing to release these longings and step into all that they create, I find myself in a sincere and divine place of worship.  These divine places of worship, at times, are explosive, rich with joy filled energy and yet at other times, reverent and broken so deeply aware of the holiness of God. “

These words came out of a personal journal entry from some time ago.  They touch my heart and remind me of such sacred moments when I have been willing to open my heart, mind and body to God.  When I allow myself to be exposed to God's profound, healing and intimate love, I am blessed with a holy awareness and knowing of my Maker that cannot easily be described.  Today I am invited to allow God's love to penetrate the very shame in my life that I have been hiding and guarding for so very long.  The invitation brings fear and hesitation for what might occur during that process as the shame has kept my secrets safe for such a long time.  It is important now that I remember the words and experience I described over 2 1/2 years ago.  They allow me to look forward remembering that God's love is good and healing and gentle.  They allow me to imagine an experience that comes out of a divine love that brings wholeness and joy.  They encourage and strengthen my choice to allow God to lavish His love on me and to rely on His guard, His protection and to rest under the shadow of His wing.

God's Sufficiency

Recently the story of Moses’ beginning into ministry has been coming to mind. God appeared to him in the midst of a burning bush and spoke directly to him. He clearly told him of his calling and even offered additional encouragement and evidence when Moses was filled with doubt. Moses continued to question his own self sufficiency and God continued to demonstrate His sufficiency. When Moses still could not embrace his calling, God became angry and yet still allowed Moses to move forward in his calling even though he had not fully grasped the truth of God’s ultimate power and authority. In God’s grace, He even provided a crutch for Moses’ unbelief through his brother Aaron.

As I step forward into what God has called me to, I am very aware of how I don’t measure up. I often feel like Moses when he said, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” Exodus 4:10 I find that I shrink back out of my feelings of inadequacy as I notice others around me that are superior in wisdom and graciousness of speech. I am fully aware of my own awkwardness and I am quick to condemn my own unbelief. This viscous cycle keeps me wrapped up in my own self sufficiency and it is an easy way for the enemy to keep me down. Rather today, I choose to acknowledge my weaknesses, notice my areas for growth, ask for my companions to have patience with me, and then lean on God and trust in His provision and sufficiency.

Moving through the darkness into The Light

This morning I have been considering the experience of the disciples during this time of darkness as Christ was lying dead in the tomb. I can only imagine the turmoil they must have felt as they tried to wrap their heads around what had just happened. The man they had come to serve, love and know as the Messiah, the one who had come to save them had been put to death, conquered. What did that mean for them? Fear, doubt and sadness would have put a profound weight on their hearts. They had no understanding of what was to come. I wonder if they replayed the events over the last days and months trying to look for clues that might lead them into a better understanding of what had happened. If nothing else, the memories of being with Jesus might have offered some comfort. Those three days must have felt like three years as they tried to recollect themselves for life with this new reality.

We are gifted in knowing the story and its outcome. We know that the darkness for the disciples is only temporary and that their joy would become so much more complete when Jesus would rise up on that third day, overcoming death, sanctifying us from our sin and reconciling us with our Heavenly Father. As I have sat with these thoughts, I have been drawn into an awareness of my own experiences of fear, doubt and sadness that comes in those dark places. The turmoil that comes with waking up one day and realizing that what you thought you knew has been ripped away and you are left trying to pick up the pieces. The frustration and even anger you feel as you struggle to put the pieces back together and yet you seem to keep dropping them. How might the story of the disciples experience be of comfort to me? We know their story because it has been completed. We know that the darkness was only temporary and that God’s plan was in effect the entire time. We know that moving through the darkness and into the light more fully prepared them for living out God’s mission in their lives. Can I trust that God’s plan continues to be in effect for me? Can I remember His works in my life and look to His face to comfort and sustain me? Can I believe that when the darkness is over I will have even greater clarity and drive to live out what God has purposed me to be? During times of darkness, questions like these might need to be answered daily or even hour by hour. Some days they might need to come as a prayer for the strength and faith to even consider these questions.

So as I consider the journey of the disciples, I might also consider their encouragement as Paul said in Philippians 3:12, 14 I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


Many blessings and care to you in this blessed Easter season.

“You need only to be still”

This morning I sit in deep reflection and prayer as I struggle to make sense of the pieces of my story that are being revealed to me. When I step out of my body and look at these pieces alone, a very clear picture is formed. However, as I remain in my body and attempt to fit these pieces into all that I have believed and known, the picture looks misshaped, deformed. How do I know when the picture is misshaped due to my mind's struggle to hide and protect and when it is misshaped simply because something is out of place. It is a battle in my mind for which I am ill-equipped to fight. As I have sat with all of these thoughts this morning, I cry out to God for help. On impulse, I pick up my phone and see the daily verse app pop up and I wonder what God might have to say to me today. I open the app and the verse that pops up is simply:

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Lord, help me to be still in the midst of such chaos in my mind. I trust you to bring clarity to my story in your way and in your time. Give me the courage to allow the picture to be deformed for now with the knowledge that you will not leave me that way. Amen

Strength in Weakness

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I feel compelled today to claim this scripture not only for myself but for all whose eyes may fall on this blog entry.  As I feel myself weary and worn by life's journey, I look to this passage to remind me of where my strength and renewal comes from.  It is in these times that I can come face to face with my own human limits.  This is truly a gift as I can once again know my need of my Lord and Savior and I can fall into His open arms and rest. 

As I place my hope in Him, I release my own expectations and struggles as well as my belief that this journey is mine to accomplish.  As I turn into Him, I can bask in his loving gaze and know that He will equip me for all that He calls me to.  As I shift my focus in this way, it allows me to stay present to what is now and let go of what is to come.  It is in my weakness that I find my strength.

The Samaritan Woman at the well

I have been sitting this week in the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-25.)  As I have imagined the scene that played out in this story, I have wondered about the initial exchange between Jesus and the woman.  Jesus was tired, thirsty, and the woman had a bucket for which she used to draw some water out of the well.  To us it would make sense that he might ask her for a drink.  In that time however, the Jews and the Samaritans did not typically associate with each other and this request from a man to a woman might even be understood as "flirting."  Her reply, "How can you ask me for a drink," seems to portray suspicion, maybe even  a defensive feel, surely questioning why this man would choose to associate with her. She was a Samaritan and a woman, one  that needed to go to the well in the mid-day heat to draw her water indicating that she was outcast by the other women that would generally go together in the morning. Jesus simply responded saying, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."   The tables are suddenly turned and the question becomes not about why Jesus would associate with the woman but why wouldn't the woman associate with Jesus.

As I have sat with this story, it brings my own to mind.  Several years ago, I was hesitantly, with great caution seeking God.  One evening at a Maundy Thursday service, a pastor invited us to open our hands to receive the living Christ.  I obediently opened my hands but my head remained down, my eyes squeezed shut and every muscle in my body tight as a knot.  Despite all of that, I was still gifted by suddenly experiencing the presence of Jesus, as I felt Him stand directly in front of me.  In that moment, I became very aware of my inability to lift my eyes to receive Him due to my very long list of reason why he shouldn't "associate" with me.  Due to the process that God has been diligent to take me through over these last years however, today I have a very different experience.  In the midst of and even in spite of all those "reasons", I now know that He chooses to and even longs to enter into a place of deep relationship and communion with me.  I do know the gift of God and who it is who speaks to me and there is no longer anything that can keep me from seeking the living water that only He can offer. As the song goes, "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand."

Do you long for deep communion with our Lord Jesus Christ?  What reasons have you listed for why Jesus shouldn't want to associate with you?  Might you offer those to Him in prayer as you share with Him your desire to know Him more deeply?