Shame-Trapped in the Body

My brief stay in the hospital during my senior year brought out a lot of questions but it also put the idea in my head that maybe life didn’t have to be this way. Maybe there was reason I felt so full of shame. And with that, maybe there was a hope for healing. After I graduated from high school, my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts continued. I came to a place in my life that I became truly fed up with feeling the way I did and I became determined to do whatever was necessary for me to enjoy life. I decided to request placement in an adult day program for people seeking mental health services. This was my first step towards independence and freedom but also the beginning of a very long journey.

Recently, my thoughts have drifted back to one therapy class in particular that I was to participate in. It was a class that integrated therapy with body movement. This was the one activity that I resisted with full force. Typically, during this class, you would find me standing up against a wall with my arms crossed in full refusal to offer any sign of participation. My resistance was so predictable and so loud that it soon became laughable. My resistance, however, was also a very clear signal that my shame was completely woven into my very body. Physical expression with my body would have given away this secret. This was not a conscious awareness as I am only now, 20 years later, putting this all together. However, I do not think it to be a coincidence that now, as I seek God’s healing in my life, He has brought me back around to noticing my body’s experiences and resistances and inviting me to experience freedom not just in my heart and mind but also in my body. He has also given me the hope that what was once used for harm will be one day used to greater His kingdom.