Sitting in one of the small conference rooms at the hospital, I met with a therapist and my mother. To be honest, I can't remember what the conversation was about but the air of exposure, shame and vulnerability that I was experiencing was more than I could tolerate. Somehow, in the midst of this high security hospital floor, I happened upon a safety pin which I proceeded to hide in my hand. Opening the pin up, I took the sharp point and ran it back and forth over the top of my hand. I pressed the point in enough to feel the pain but not too much so as not to draw out more blood than I could hide. The meeting I was in was painful enough that the sensation that came from cutting myself actually seemed to bring relief. The pain of the safety pin breaking and scraping my skin allowed my mind to be distracted from the experience at hand but it also gave me a feeling of control and power in my out of control, powerless world. Later that day, the abrasions I created on my hand were seen and I was forced to relinquish the safety pin.
As an adult, I learned to find other ways to distract from my deep inner pain that were less obvious and more acceptable. It might show itself through very controlled eating habits or a busy schedule that just won't stop. Even something as simple as twitching my foot back and forth in short sudden bursts allows my mind and body to be distracted from whatever I am experiencing. God, however, has been inviting me into a new way. As He has softened my heart to see and to know Him, He has given me safe spaces to stop all movement, be still and be present to the pain. He has been willing to be present with me in the pain showing me His truth, allowing it to penetrate my heart as I am able to receive it. Old habits die hard however, and even as recently as last week I found myself going into that survival mode. The increasing questions in my life that seem to have no answers triggered my old ways and I slipped into a mode of seeking activities that were logical and controllable. I was aware of what I was doing but I had made my peace with it. God however, had not. He spoke directly into my heart (though I was not asking) and invited me to hold onto Him as my firm rock, my stronghold. My first thought of course was "can I do it both ways?" I knew the answer to that before I asked it but it was one last feeble attempt to do it myself. I didn't relent right away but within a couple of hours, God's words penetrated my heart and I repented and received God's grace and peace in that moment.
God is gracious, He is good and He is safe. He does not need to prove that to us, but He is willing. As we show up and provide the space for God to pour out His love on us, He is faithful to do just that. Showing up however, can be scary and even difficult. If it feels overwhelming, seeking out a spiritual friend or community can help us get started in this practice. Hold closely the words that are anointed by God as James 4:8 reads, "Come near to God and He will come near to you." NIV
